I stumbled upon this story of Aziz Ansari, a popular comedian who was recently a recipient of a Golden Globe award. He is being accused of sexual assault by a woman named Grace (a pseudonym I believe). According to her, the two met at the 2017 Emmy Awards after-party. She was a photographer and approached Aziz because they had brought the same kind of film camera. They flirted, took pictures of one another, exchanged phone numbers, and after a couple of days of flirtatious banter, they had dinner. He invited her into his apartment and there, within a span of just a few minutes, began kissing her and even placed a hand on her breast. He persistently gestured to have her perform oral sex on him. She claimed to use verbal and non-verbal cues to indicate how uncomfortable and distressed she was. She constantly moved away from him and he constantly followed her. “It was 30 minutes of me getting up and moving and him following,” she said. “It was really repetitive. It felt like a fucking game.” The whole tale is about he acted like a horny teenager, practically begging to have sex with her and how she struggled to push him away as courteously and as politely as possible.
Aziz’s statement presents a different picture. The sex, according to him, was consensual.
As I read through the article, my first impression was that of wonder and bewilderment. How can Aziz, a 34-year old celebrity comedian who had even co-authored a book with an NYU professor on dating, be so clueless and dense? Then I realized that private personal moments can lead to Rashamon-esque situation. The problem is there could be contradictory statements by the only two people who know the story and no third party can corroborate. This is a “he-said, she-said” situation — she claims sexual assault while he claims otherwise.
Fortunately I am no celebrity and my personal balance sheet is not grand enough to be the target of extortion. I doubt if I will ever be blackmailed, unless it is by a scorned lover. Nonetheless how does one avoid such a situation? It’s easy to say “respect the woman” and “no means no,” but what if I do all that and yet the woman claims that sexual assault occurred? I honestly have no easy answer. The only thing I can think of is to choose your partner wisely, read her cues, and walk away if you sense even the slightest bit of hesitation.
Buwayahman’s Blog 